Real Fantasy Football
Well, one more Super Bowl is behind us, and this year I found myself largely disappointed to see that most of the coverage in this universe was focused on the existent football teams. So for those of you who missed this year’s struggle between the teams in the magical parallel universe, I took the trouble of tuning in my mind and seeing if I could provide the play by play highlights of the big Ultra Bowl game between the Colorado C’thulus and the Detroit Dragons (not the Pittsburg Pentagrams and the Arizona Archmages—sorry, but different worlds have different playoffs). This year the Ultra Bowl was played in the C’thulu’s home stadium on the edge of the eternal abyss. So shake off that post-game fatigue, because this year’s game was a spectacular showdown between these two old rivals.
• The game started out with the warm ups of each of the teams, and the Dragons were looking particularly good with the flying spells this year. As usual, a good showing of the fair young maidens on the Dragon’s side, and the C’thulu’s doing a relatively quiet warm-up with a pretty standard blood sacrifice ritual. The team mascot, “Squidface” nearly started a riot throwing parts of the body to the ecstatic fans. The Dragons took the coin toss with a choice to kick off, which immediately set the game on a footing for controversy, as the coin was taken from the horde of their team mascot, and so there was some discussion of enchantment. The C’thulus, of course, a traditionally more offense oriented team, but since flipping a severed limb is not considered legal, the decision stood.
• The Dragons served an impressive kick off, with the kicker leaving the ground on the forward charge and achieving a clocked speed on the ball in excess of a hundred miles per hour. The C’thulus quick-moving star rookie and jack-of-all trades, Bernard Evisceraue, ensnared the ball at the 70 with tendrils of darkness, a signature play for the C’thulus which fans were disappointed not to have seen much in the prior season. Obviously something of a surprise, seeing a cast that advanced with a relatively young player. Dragon defense strong as usual, however, so the C’thulus had only run back 15 yards before being forced down.
• The Dragons kept up a pretty good offensive onslaught, sweeping the Defensive line with a well-used fire spell repeatedly. C’thulu star defensive lineman Gordon Breaker shut down Dragon tight end Fifer Stephens at the 30 with a quote from the Necronomicon which caused the field to swallow him whole. (Unfortunately, it also turned the grass purple, and the condition of the turf continued to deteriorate throughout the course of the game).
• Dragon defense looked characteristically strong in the first half of the game, with the wall of flame technique serving equally well for retention. Late in the second quarter, however, Dragon defense broke down under the masterful conjuring of C’thulu linebacker Craig Psyton, who used a rain of blood to spell disaster for the flame spell. The grass screamed in pain whenever set alight, but the C’thulus obviously focusing more on the larger game then minor entertainments at this point.
• C’thulu Defensive lineman Perry Skullscar devoured the soul of the Dragon Quarterback Leonard Hutchins in an impressive tackle, but was ordered to regurgitate it when a foul was called upon review for holding.
• C’thulu Quarterback Milton Deathhold threw a record setting 100 yard and 62.7 S’droth’kham pass through the dungeon dimensions, which was caught by tight end Terrance Phillips. The Team was denied the field goal kick, however, when whatever it was that escaped with the ball ate the goalpost, six fans, and a riding mower. The grass laid eggs in appreciation at seeing their enemy slain.
• The halftime show featured an upbeat performance of the song “Short Legs, Tall Heart” done live by the dwarf band Kneeslice. This song obviously was a nod to the “Ghost Squeezing” ad campaign for Ichor Fizz Wildberry Soda, which was arguably the best commercial in the game despite the outrage it caused in the SPCEB (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ectoplasmic Beings). The audience soon mellowed out, however, with a ballad arrangement of “You Have a Heart of Gold, (Can it Be Mined)”. The grass, in perhaps the most dangerous act every undertaken by flora, held tiny lighters aloft and swayed back and forth.
• In the second half, the dragons moved from their strong defensive stance and tried to recoup points with rushing plays. Pretty spectacular aerial maneuvers occurred in this portion, Hutchins showing enough recuperation after being reunited with his soul to become the first player in FFL history to dunk the football through the field goal, assisted by a blurred 300 foot power dive which took the C’thulu’s by storm.
• The teams played primarily tied for the majority of the fourth quarter, until the C’thulu’s brought the ball to life. The ball proceeded to scuttle backwards between the legs of the dragon center at the hike, oinking, and streak downfield, winning itself a touchdown against the dragons. Dragon Center Burdon Nisaac Toasted off its legs to prevent further damage.
• C’thulu’s wrapped up the game with a favorite finisher, twisting the entire field through the plains of the netherworld itself. The frightened grass scuttled all over the unshaken Dragon players, who put up a brave offense. To the disappointment of Detroit fans, the whistle was blown on a fumble by dragon runner (probably Gordon Bales), a mere ten yards from an end of game flip on the score.
This commentator is happy to see the C’thulu’s take what is their second FFL trophy. Before the next practice, the field is going to have to be replanted, so officials are working diligently around the clock to put new turf down, although one of the officials said in a private interview that they were hoping for a more enchantment proof model. The C’thulus coach gave little comment, but made it quite clear that the team will not be resting on their laurels, and will be back in training as soon as possible.
And that’s the Sports update for the Fantasy Ultra Bowl. Thank you for tuning in, and goodnight.