Happy Mardi Gras!
The pink elephants turned out in force this year. Well known to those prone to getting too drunk to stand, their primary job is to come out of the intoxicated individuals head and circle in an amusing manner. They are, in fact, built into the universe as a safety, on the basis that if a drunk is watching floating pink pachyderms, they’ll be too confused to do anything stupid (This rarely works, although it sometimes makes the person so dizzy they throw up).
Despite the fact that Mardi Gras is one of the busiest days of the year for them (After St. Patrick’s Day and Valentines Day, although they are notoriously anxious not to discuss the latter), I’ve managed to pull one away from his work for a while in order to interview him. Via careful translation, I have rendered some advice that might help you make the most of your Mardi Gras.
One other thing: The pink elephants do not work exclusively in our world. There is a variety of information here, in fact, that one prays is not from our world. Because of the fact that our readers may include residents of other universes, I have chosen not to filter this information. Use your own judgment.
1. Be careful who you give beads to: Especially If you have had a few. With sufficiently thick beer goggles, most people would proposition a lamp. Also, do not give beads to a dragon. Why? Well, it isn’t that they won’t appreciate the shiny material (unless you’re stupid enough to give the dragon plastic beads, in which case the dragon will appreciate you. Probably for dinner). But dragons are notoriously slim in the breast department. Cows, on the other hand, are an excellent bet. They’ll show you their breasts even before you give them beads. Few people celebrating Mardi Gras in India are disappointed.
2. Remember, your love life is not dead : Nor should you feel a compulsion to make it so. When it comes to the undead, remember that it’s important to know that there are major drawbacks to many dates. Vampires tend to be a little kinky, and bite. The vast majority of ghosts are dealing with unfinished business, which is rarely the lack of dates while they were alive; those who DO have this as their unfinished business probably remained dateless for a reason. And if you feel a compulsion to hit on a zombie, see number 1.
3. Designate a Driver: Because otherwise, you will get one of two ideas. One, that you should drive yourself, in which case the elephant assures me that more people then you think end up crashing directly into the lobby of the police station. Or else, you’ll take public transportation. That’s usually code for “Charged with doing a samba on a moving bus wearing nothing but an orange tutu which you’ve stolen”. You can always call a taxi, but when a guy shows up driving a secondhand patch of carpet hastily dyed yellow, who regardless of where you ask to go will take you to a sugar packing plant across town, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
4. Do not attempt to eat the pink elephant: This is important. Under no circumstances should you reach out, grab the pink elephant around the midriff and attempt to eat him. It cannot be emphasized enough that drinking heavily at Easter and mistaking him for a peep will not save you. Expect to have your mouth sneezed in.
5. Do not drink anything you cannot pronounce: This is a simple way to keep yourself from going crazy, dying, or disappearing into an interdimensional abyss. Look at the handy reference chart below.
|IF THE LABEL YOU CANNOT PRONOUNCE IS…||YOU SHOULD NOT DRINK IT BECAUSE…|
|…A quote from the Necronomicon||See: Abyss, interdimensional|
|…in Klingon||This drink is invariably fatal to humans. Traditional Klingon drinks are similar to the Mexican one with the worm at the bottom, except the worm is alive and the goal is to see how drunk you can get while still being able to defeat it in mortal combat.|
|…In Hawaiian||This drink contains as much fruit as its supposed island of origin. The sugar in that glass will cause you a hangover that will need its own room.|
|… “blood”||You are in a vampire bar and should be running. Unless you’re a vampire, of course. |
|…Everclear||Because this particular entry can cause cerebral damage just by looking at it. Patrons ordering Everclear should be forced to say the synonym “Rubbing Alcohol” instead. Anyone still capable of doing this after the first glass should be given a medal.|
|...Vodka||Because vodka is Russian for “Everclear”|
|…On fire||Because you’re already too drunk. We’re assuming here that the drink in question is not on fire, but that the actual label is on fire. If you have reached the point where you are no longer sure where to stick the match, you should probably not get in bed with anyone.|
|…beer||Actually, if you are so wasted that you can no longer say four letters you are A: not very adept at swearing, and B: ten seconds from death anyway. So go ahead and drink it.|
6. If you do drink too much and voices call you towards the light, don’t go: Remember your last family reunion? It’s like that, but longer, and without alcohol.
7. Do not try to text your friends with the elephant: Elephants do not like their bellies pushed. It makes them throw up imaginary peanuts all over your hand. This is your own fault.
8. When drinking, ignore all ideas to do things not involving drinking: Do not play poker with demons, especially not if you like using the expression “I’d bet my life”. Do not try to eat a car. Do not stick your wand down your pants and conjure a seal. Do not animate the drink rack and encourage it to tap dance. Do not conquer Belgium. Do not get married to an orc. Do not engage in extra-marital relations of any kind with other species. Especially, and we cannot say this clearly enough, the pink elephant.
9. Really, truly, honestly, we mean this, under no circumstances are you to play racquetball, badminton, tennis, ping pong, or pool with the pink elephant: Because he may be imaginary, but he can still burrow into your brain via your eyeball. He knows C’thul-Fu. They’ll have to clean up your skeleton with a mop. Leave the elephant alone.
Once again, happy Mardi Gras, and good luck to those of you observing Lent. ( it has been intimated that Friday’s special will be trilobyte bisque with Bovigryph cream and freshly exorcised possessed pepper, for those of you who know what I’m talking about. Never mind that the intimation in question is what you just read.)